rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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