i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
