There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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