So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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