glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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