she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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