someone threw a dead crab at me
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
