my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
