Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
