you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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