This is not my ceiling
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
