Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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