Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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