The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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