Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
