Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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