My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
foreskin is a definite game changer
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
