There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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