first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
