I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
