I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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