We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize