just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize