I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
