Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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