Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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