The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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