i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
