why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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