Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
