I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
