Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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