i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
