i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
