Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
