The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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