Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
