the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
