she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
