i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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