I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize