At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
This toilet bowl is my home.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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