My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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