Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
