I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
