after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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