Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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