i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize