Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
