You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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