I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
