God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
