I'm going to jail i love you
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
