my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
