I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
