Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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