Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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