i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
