eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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