I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
