I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
