Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
