Your face is a jimmy john
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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