The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
