Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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