great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
