I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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