We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
