It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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