I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
