It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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