i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
