He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
