I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
