Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
