Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
