even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
please don't ironically join a cult
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