Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
